With the Metro FM Awards just a week away one cannot help but be excited by the entertainment about to hit our town and the characters this event will draw from far and near.
As your roving reporters and self proclaimed psychologists, we can anticipate that the Metros will not only bring about artistic appreciation and celebration, but we can also guarantee that the swarm of strange characters about to bombard our province will be good for a few laughs.
We have compiled a detailed list of characters for one to be on the lookout for just for preparation’s sake.
THE GIGALO. He is that guy who makes a living by mooching off rich or successful women preferably in their early 30s to early 50s. His only ambition this weekend is to have a ball without a single cent. He won’t be hard to miss as he will charmingly insist that you pay for his double whiskeys and soda for the whole night without feeling a shred of guilt. This usually involves a misplaced wallet. Very charmingly, usually handsome and very good at what they do.
THE PLATINUM DIGGERS. Not one to be outdone by the now reformed Queen Of Bling, this new breed of hustlers gives new meaning to the traditional gold digger. She has a real job, usually drives a fancy car, is dressed to the nines and is not afraid to ask for your bank balance without batting an eyelid. Beware of this lot because they usually always get their man.
THE ÉNTREPRENEUR. Aka The Unemployed. Will give a vague answer when you ask what line of business they are in and the long winded explanation is usually followed by a sheepish grin and ‘It’s complicated’. Do not feel bad. Chances are you make more money than they do.
THE STRUGGLING ARTIST. Now this bunch is enough to drive you around the bend with their soulful existence and their struggle stories. Chances are you’ve never heard any of their music yet they’ve released a few albums that they insist are on the billboard charts in some European country. They will bitterly exclaim that South African record labels don’t appreciate true music and will have a comment (usually negative) about every single awards nominee. Just nod vigorously, mumble ‘haters’ every few minutes and plan your escape.
THE GROUPIES. Defined as a person who seeks emotional and any form of intimacy from a celebrity. Will spend their weekend and salary trying to achieve this goal. Usually loud and very excited.
THE WAGS. This event is one of those rare occasions where these ladies are allowed to come out and play with their celebrity partners. Usually travel in a pack like wolves, paranoid and have a shared passionate loathing for groupies. The feeling is mutual though. Take care not to confuse the two groups.
THE WANNABES. Usually from a big city where their social life is nonexistent and travel all the way to Mpumalanga just to feel important. These sad cases will drone on and on about their glamorous lives and how well known and great they are. They are usually snooty and anti social but after a few drinks will be found on the dance floor gyrating their hips energetically and screaming every time a DJ plays a track.
THE PERVETS. Sleazy, shockingly confident, hideous and tend to never make eye contact as they’re too busy undressing you with their expert eye. Have an annoying tendency to find any excuse to touch you. Don’t worry about spotting them. They will spot you.
THE SUGAR DADDIES. Rich, ancient and have three major accessories-a black card, a large pot belly and a much younger trophy girlfriend.
THE BARBIE DOLLS. Heavily made up, big hair and blinding manicures. Usually look like your platinum diggers but aren’t born hustlers. They are also not the sharpest knives in the drawer and are more likely to be found sitting with a glass of Moet with a blank look on their faces.
THE TENDERPRENEURS. Aka New Money. Flashy, arrogant and usually carrying an overly priced man bag. Another favourite accessory is their groupie friend who will ride or die for his/her meal ticket. Rich through association and a bit of ‘hard’work. Likely to start burning R200 notes to prove their ‘wealth’ and will be eating something off a semi naked body before the night is out.
THE YUPPIES. The young urban professionals. A very determined bunch. Organised to a tee (they planned this trip 6 months prior) , Jeiger drinking and will have fun if it kills them.
And then there’s the extinct breed...
THE NORMAL PEOPLE. Hard to find amid the throng of outlandish individuals who will be gracing our land but very real. We firmly believe we belong in this category. Should you spot one of these rare gems, please take a picture and send it to us.
We won’t hold our breaths thoughJ
